It’s Called UGG for a Reason, Folks

By Broadside Style Columnist Dan Pino

This past Wednesday, as I exited the JC with my venti skim caramel macchiato in one hand and cell phone in the other I stumbled across what was supposedly an Eskimo convention. Everywhere I looked no less than four out of the five girls, and even a couple guys, were sporting a uniform blob of suede and lamb fur on their feet. I thought to myself, “Since when has igloo building become the new activity of choice?” But upon closer examination, I was appalled to discover that the horrible atrocities on the feet of my fellow George Mason University students were all of the same shoe: the UGG Boot.

The UGG boot is called “UGG” for two reasons. First, when the Australian manufacturing company first produced the shoe, consumer reaction was as follows, “these boots are U-G-L-Y, they don’t got no alibi, they ugly.” However, in keeping with economic optimism, the company decided to capitalize on the ugly concept and simply dropped the “ly.”

Second, when one person sees another person wear the dreaded boot we ca not help but say, “UGH, take that piece of crap off of your foot.”

Seriously, I implore someone to simply answer the question: what is cute about looking like you just impaled a sheep with your foot? Most frequently the overwhelming response has been, “they’re so warm!” And quite frankly, that doesn’t quite cut it. If you want warmth, put on some long johns.

Additionally, what’s with the unfortunate many of you who pair the stocky suede monstrosity with skintight leggings? Just because your pants are painted on does not mean the cankles generated by those boots are any less pronounced. It seems to me that our generation has lost a genuine appreciation for the separation between calf and ankle, someone should work on that grassroots campaign: “CANKLES NO MORE!” “CAN’T STAND CANKLES!!” Make it happen.

As John Zee stated on this week’s episode of “Stylista” about a contestant’s scarf, “it causes me anxiety.” Well Mason Patriots, the UGG boot is akin to that scarf: it causes me deep anxiety. In many ways, the different colors of the boot imbue a different form of anxiety every time I look at them. The classic tan irritates me. It says, “I have an UGG Boot and I’m gonna wear it with everything!” The black confuses me. Why in God’s green earth you would spend over $120 on a boot that pretends to be chic when you can purchase an actual chic boot for the same cost? That’s just bad budget planning. Finally, the brown boot sickens me to no end. Brown is a classic color, a color used to inspire warmth and memories of hot cocoa; however, when I see the brown UGG I think of a steaming pile of poop.

Now, I would have you know. I have once been smitten by the allure of the mystical UGG. It is a tempting force to be reckoned with in that it ensnares shoppers by its hideous façade then traps the wearer with the comfort of lamb’s wool. Yet I broke free of this tempestuous horror and I beg each of you to simply invest in a pair of ballet flats, stiletto boots, hell, even some Converses and just say no to the UGG.

Appropriate Reasons to Wear an Ugg Boot
1. If you are, in fact, an Eskimo
2. If you are a yeti
3. If you are sent to Siberia
4. If you want to piss off Anna Wintour
5. If you are auditioning for a season of “The Hills”