Valentine's Day Advice for Singles

By Connect Mason Director Grace Kendall

On my calendar, Feb. 14 is decorated with a big, fat, hate-filled red X.

Full of groping hands and broken hearts, Valentine’s Day is perhaps the loneliest holiday on a single person’s calendar.

While couples wander rose gardens hand in hand, singing each other sickening love songs and getting lost in each other’s eyes, singles are sitting in dark rooms crying and scouring Craigslist’s “Missed Connections” in hope of a heart-shaped miracle.

So, when your Valentine’s Day ends in tears or handcuffs as is inevitable, don’t blame me—unless the handcuffs are accompanied by a sweetly consenting partner.

That said, not all hope is lost. Feb. 14 is a day like any other, but you can take simple steps to make it suck a little less.

From one single fool to another, here are ten easy suggestions for how to make this Valentine’s Day more memorable than usual.

10. Eat your weight in fine imported chocolates.

You may be a poor college student, but one night’s worth of quality sweets is an appropriate indulgence. Time may not heal all wounds, but Godiva does a pretty good job.

9. Strip to your skivvies and blast awful post-relationship pop music.

For men, this means quality time with Jack Johnson or Radiohead. Ladies and gay boys, I recommend Avril Lavigne and Sasha Fierce. “All my single ladies, put your hands up!” If you blast it at top volume, maybe you can drown out the sound of being alone.

8. Stalk your exes.

Nothing says “You’ll regret breaking up with me” better than a good stalker. Stand outside his house with a bottle of tequila in one hand and a brick in the other. Oh yeah, he will want you back. Or he will pay.

7. Suffer through a reality television marathon.

Television likes to celebrate pointless holidays by showing an entire season of shows nobody liked the first time around. This is proof that either the producers are all single and taking it out on America, or too busy getting it on with their lovers to care about what’s on T.V. But this can be to your advantage: Nothing will make you appreciate what you have more than three hours of Bromance. Think of it as the It’s a Wonderful Life of Valentine’s Day.

6. Burn things.

That shirt she gave you for your last birthday? It will look much better with flames tearing through it. That teddy bear he gave you at Christmas? It was made to be barbecued. When you can’t ease the searing pain inside, just douse all remembrances of ever having loved in gasoline and watch it burn.

5. Read a trashy romance novel.

Books with Fabio on the cover or the Twilight series are solid choices. Keep some tissues nearby, because you’re going to be completely irrational about 40 pages in. It’s guaranteed that you will shout helplessly at the main characters, snot dripping down your nose as you vent the repressed emotions from all of your previous failed relationships.

It’s much better to project these emotions at books rather than people; when you throw them at the wall, nobody gets arrested. Plus, reading a novel speeds up relationships wonderfully, so you can breeze through the heartbreak and get back to the sweet whispered promises of forever and the really good sex.

4. Fake a valentine.

Send yourself some flowers, set your Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated” and refuse to share the juicy details with anyone. Lord your secret (fake) relationship over your less imaginative single friends and watch them wither with the realization that even someone as socially-defective as yourself managed to snag a valentine.

3. Spend some time alone with your . . . thoughts.

Unlike your last girlfriend, the ladies in Playboy will never leave you or go through your e-mail inbox. Be adventurous and splurge on the good porn; it is a holiday. It’s not like your roommate will notice... he’s too busy getting it on with his significant other anyway. Douchebag.

2. Get drunk.

Eventually the harsh reality of your loneliness, magnified under the lens of cupid’s chosen holiday, will catch up with you. It doesn’t matter what you told your friends—“This is a fake holiday, I don’t even care”—by 11 p.m., you’ll be staring at the ceiling from your tear-stained mattress wondering where it all went wrong.

For most college folks, alcohol is the natural remedy for that line of thought. Just make sure you’ve shut down your laptop and cell phone—nothing is worse than an overly emotional holiday drunk dial. “Oh Jenny, I love you... we were meant to be... hold on, I’ve got to puke.”

1. Cry.

Because at the end of the day, you’re still a bitter lonely hag who couldn’t snag even a casual relationship to get you through the loneliest holiday of the year. But keep your chin up: you’ve got 365 days until Valentine’s Day rolls around again. That’s plenty of time to find your soulmate, or at the very least some cute 20-something to hook up with.