Santa's Naughty Playlist

By Broadside Staff Writer Ross Bonaime. Photo courtesy of Flickr user Bethany L. King.

Ah, it’s the holidays again, and nothing says the holidays like Christmas music and blatant commercialism.

First off is the album Christmas In the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album. No one should be surprised that you can find any form of merchandise with a Star Wars logo on it. But this is a special type of Star Wars crap.

Remember such classics as “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb?)” and my personal favorite, “R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas” which is sung my none other than Jon Bon Jovi. Snuggle up by the fire with a loved one as Mr. “Livin’ On A Prayer” sings the lyrics, “And if the snow becomes too deep, just give a little beep, we’ll go in by the fire, and warm your little wires.” It’s so bad, it’ll almost make you forget just how bad those prequels were. Almost.

American Idol has supplied the United States with plenty of unnecessary music and introduced the world to plenty of people with no talent. The most famous of these is William Hung, who does have a gift for unintentional hilarity. His second album was the aptly titled Hung For The Holidays. I’d still rather listen to this album than Clay Aiken’s Merry Christmas with Love, but does Aiken’s album use the first track to thank you for buying the album? Or give you random reminders to give back to the community and help others in need? Of course not!

Hung sings all the standard holiday fare, but for some reason the final song features Queen’s “We Are the Champions,” a holiday song forgotten by the Christmas community.

Christmas is also filled with novelty music. Alvin and the Chipmunks would not be close to as popular as they are if they did not want planes that looped and hula-hoops. But while animated chipmunks can somewhat pull off a Christmas albums, real life cats cannot.

That brings me to Meowy Christmas by Jingle Cats. The album cover boasts that the album features “Real kittens sing 20 holiday classics!” It is exactly what it sounds like. Cats meow the notes to these favorite songs, and in the process ruin any hopes that you will get past the first song. Also, if you liked this chart-topping extravaganza, check out their two follow-up albums, Here Comes Santa Claws and Rhythm and Mews, for more of the same infuriating rage that the first album provided.

OK, so I’m willing to believe that there are people who can suffer through Christmas songs from droids, whining animals and monotone failures, but anyone who listens to Pull My Finger: Jingle Smells should be legally bound to never be able to celebrate any holiday ever again.

Imagine the concept of Meowy Christmas except for instead of cats, it is the most disgusting farts spliced together to make, for lack of a better term, music. If you laugh at song titles like “Stinky Dreidel,” “Silent Butt Deadly Night” and “Sugerplum Farties,” you are either a three-year-old or in a coma.

So, if there is someone on your buying list that you never want to see or talk to again, keep these horrible atrocities in mind for the holidays.